For those of you who don't follow me on social media, I've started something brave and powerful... a year of celibacy.
Now you might think "Are you crazy? A young woman in her prime not having sex?! Don't do it!" I know... but you aren't the first to say that.
I want to say this was a hard decision, but it wasn't. This is something that I have thought about doing for years.
Photo by Marie Ilchuk
Since I started dating my first boyfriend at the age of 19, I have pretty much always had a boyfriend. Usually within a week of leaving one partner, another would just pop up and bam, I'm in relationship again. These often weren't great partners either... my first few relationships were mildly abusive and very damaging.
The times that I didn't have a boyfriend or partner, I usually had one or several sexual partners. Then followed my journey into polyamory (loving many people) and non-monogamy. Being cheated on by most of my boyfriends led to a huge lack of trust towards men. I admired polyamory for the total honesty and openness people seemed to achieve. I also have such a big heart that I can love more than one person at a time and I didn't want to have to choose just one.
The thing is, you can still be cheated on in polyamory, and I was. So that didn't work either. In my latest relationship, I really tried to consolidate my feelings of loving many people with trying to be monogamous again. We talked about monogamish and how we might go about creating a life together that was a little more open, but in the end it just didn't work out.
"Finally," I thought, "I can be free. I can focus on myself for a year." So I am. I've been committed to myself for 45 days now and it feels amazing. Let me just say, it is not easy. I could see some of my previous partners right now if I wanted to and I'm also attracting new exciting men into my life. The sexual opportunities are ever present.
But the thing is, I don't want to have sex. I want to find that special someone who complements me in all of the best ways. I want to sometime soon get married and raise kids with a consciously aware man.
Now sex is wonderful and amazing, but it really clouds things for me. There's a beautiful book written by Naomi Wolf, Vagina: A New Biography, that talks about the scientific connections between the vagina and the female brain. When a woman has great sex, she releases hormones and endorphins that are equivalent to being high on cocaine. So yeah, we can get addicted to sex and our sexual partners just like that.
These biological reactions also induce a sense of love: oxytocin specifically is directly linked to a person's desire and commitment to their partner, and not only for women. Now I can fall in love with anyone, anytime, without sex, but when you add that in... I'm a goner. So I'm removing it altogether from the equation.
The other major reason I'm practicing celibacy right now is the journey I've been discovering about sacred sexuality.
It is my belief that we are all spiritual beings and that sex is no less sacred than anything else that we do. In fact, sex is almost more sacred because of the intimate nature of sharing yourself, soul and body, physically uniting with another person. Orgasm can be linked with enlightenment (http://fragmentsofevolution.org/orgasmic-enlightenment/), a state of transcendence. Sex is a sacred union between two people, becoming one- one with themselves and one with all that is. In this way we are merging our energy fields together, and for sensitive people like me, we can carry that energy for a while.
That's a lot of pressure! I don't want to do that with just anyone. And having someone else's energy on/in me for a while can feel very strange and throw me off. Ick.
I've also been learning about the power of my yoni (sacred Hindu word for vagina). I experienced a yoni massage a few months ago and man was that powerful. The amount of trauma, pain, repressed emotion and hurt we keep in our wombs is outstanding! Neither my partner nor I was prepared for what I had to release. Sex was no longer sex anymore... it was a healing, transformative experience.
If I can take on so much and keep it in my womb, shouldn't I be more careful about what I allow in?! That goes for physical things as well as mental and emotional ones. I deserve love and bliss and I won't allow anything less than that anymore!
Also, relating to someone on that deep level is really fucking scary. Like, you are revealing your soul to them and then saying "Love me, take care of me, please don't hurt me." It's vulnerable and open. It's everything I want and everything I'm scared of...
So while I wait for this year to pass, my fear to pass, or the man I'm meant to be with to come, I will sit and stay with myself. I won't let another man enter me and "poison" me with his energy or his ideas of what my life should be.
Already I have found my power in many ways. I am taking a stand and I am talking about it. I am manifesting change and using this sexual energy to create the life of my dreams.
I am starting a movement, a revolution of one, but a revolution that is impacting those around me. When one person makes a positive change, those around them notice.
I would love to hear your thoughts/experiences. Share in the comments or message me directly.
I see you. I feel you. Whether you agree with me or not, this is happening and it is blissful.
Welcome to my sexual revolution!